Sunday Dose Poem Revision 2

 

Sunday Dose (revised) Image poem 

Tiny white package, big and strong,

You bring my relief like cloudburst in drought,

Living in the palm of my hand,

Your shell is smooth between my fingers,

Guardian of groggy mornings, your home will be in my mouth later

 

Dissolving deep in my throat

Bitter medicine results in my calm,

A thief of pain,

Plucking the weight from behind my eyes, 

Massaging my throbbing temples and veins.

 

Early in the morning,

You call my name,

Sweet and salty acetaminophen,

Your promise written on a package,

Small and mighty, potent when active


In revising this poem, I focused on clarity, the emotion, and consistency while maintaining the original essence of the work. Feedback highlighted specific areas for improvement, such as refining word choices and demonstrating emotion through imagery rather than direct statements. For instance, I replaced "prosecutor" with "guardian" to better align with the pill's role as a protective force, and changed "robbing" to "plucking" to reflect a more positive connotation.

To make the poem more vivid, I added imagery like “Dissolving deep in my throat” and “Massaging my throbbing temples and veins,” makes the poem more of sensory experience. I also focused on maintaining a consistent subject by ensuring that every line implicitly or reference to the pill. The line “You bring my relief like cloudburst in drought” shows the emotion of gratitude without stating it outright, while keeping it nuanced.

Overall, the changes improved the flow of the poem and clarified its tone. By addressing the feedback, I was able to create a more polished and engaging piece while staying true to the original message. This revision process helped me better understand how to use imagery and word choice to evoke specific emotions and improve coherence in my writing.


Sunday Dose

Original poem

Tiney white package, big and strong,

You make me happy like a clown,

Living in the palm of my hand,

Your shell is sticky between my fingers,

Prosecutor of hangovers, your home’s my refrigerator. 

 

Open up on my tongue,

Bitter medicine fills my head,

Thief of thoughts,

Robbing my pain,

Massaging my throbbing temples and veins.

 

Early in the morning,

You holler my name,

I love your sweet and salty acetaminophen,

Your promise written on a package,

Small and mighty, potent when active. 


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