Sound Poem Revision for Module 15

Revision

I wanted to revise this poem to sharpen its antagonistic tone, enhance the use of sound devices to amplify its core message, replace abstract imagery with vivid, concrete details, and ensure the poem's message is loud and clear.

This was my original poem: 

Sound Riot

The world is straight hell    

The press don’t want to hear your story     [LA1] 

They keep us as numbers in excel    [LA2] 

commit crimes? Them laws are written in a spell,    

Prosecutes more worried about their glory    [LA3] 

But who’s worse? Which admin can we compel?  

How much drugs “we” gotta sell?   

Sheeple people, Pigs and people, Screw the category[LA4] ,

Politicians lie but who we gonna tell?  

We all know activists will dwell,  

Burned by laws in fire like a holy matrimony 

The facts are buried but who the hell will ring the bell[LA5] ?  

 [LA1]Your rhyme scheme doesn’t follow what you mention below. The rhyme scheme you actually have works fine.

 [LA2]Like an excel spreadsheet? . . . This lines bleeds into the next. It’s hard to know where the breaks in thought are so be consistent with punctuation. The idea with punctuation in poetry is to give your reader clears clues about how to read the meaning.

 [LA3]Look carefully for abstract words and see if you can substitute a concrete image.

 [LA4]These punchier phrases do create a nice rhythm. This works better than the lines above which all end pretty hard on the final word and rhyme or each line.

 [LA5]The sound is fun and works well with the subject matter of the poem.


Sound Riot (Revised)

The world is straight hell,

The press turns a blind eye, their cameras long gone,

We’re digits in columns, boxed tight like excel.

Commit crimes? Pigs gotta eat, collect rent and draw blood.

Prosecutors fatten the accused like lambs for slaughter.

But who’s worse? Which admin can we compel?

How much drugs “we” gotta sell?

Sheeple shuffle, people suffer - same damn creed.

Politicians lie, slick-tongued vultures in borrowed feathers.

And activists will linger - some just posing, hashtags their only trigger.

Burned by laws in fire like a holy matrimony,

The facts are buried but who the hell will ring the bell?


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